Trying to figure out what purpose you serve as an individual is a tough job for anyone. Doing so while recovering from an eating disorder is a nightmare.
When one has an issue, the most common approach is to attempt to tackle that issue to solve it. And yet, when I was going through my eating disorder, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to recover, and for a long time, it was difficult for me to understand why.
I fell in love with my eating disorder because it gave me a purpose. Seldom did I need to ponder what my existence meant, what my goals for each day were, and what the future would hold, because my Anorexia Nervosa presented the answers to those ideas clearly. I knew exactly what I was doing every day, and what I would be doing for the rest of my life: avoiding all foods that weren’t apples and oranges, crying myself to sleep after eating a bowl of rice, and exercising every day until I could no longer feel my legs. My life had a meaning, albeit an unconventional and destructive one.
This is not atypical; most, if not all, of those afflicted with eating disorders, are hesitant of or even against recovery. One of the reasons for this would be because the disorder brings about a sense of control. In a constantly changing world, your eating disorder remains incessant, familiar, and strangely comforting. You define yourself by the size of your waist and the circumference of your wrist. Someone with an eating disorder has an eating disorder before anything else. It gives you meaning.
My health eventually deteriorated so immensely that recovery was my only survival option, and so I began my journey of healing. Although I was told that recovering meant seizing charge of my life once again, I couldn’t help but wonder what was there for me to seize, when the word Anorexia was all I was. I began to feel like I was losing control, like I was losing my purpose, like I was losing myself and everything else my Anorexia nurtured in me. Was recovery truly worth it if I did not bear to live through it?
Starting to recover is difficult, but sticking by it despite the perceived meaninglessness that comes with it is an even greater challenge. The first step is to reclaim the parts of yourself that once defined you before they were overthrown by your eating disorder. In other words, you have to find yourself all over again, as well as discover what other things make you who you are.
Trying to figure out what purpose you serve as an individual is a tough job for anyone, let alone one in recovery. But to figure out what makes you ‘you’ does not have to be as deep or complicated as you may think it is. Take time to evaluate and consider what truly matters to you as a person. Lay out every possible thing that brings you even a shred of joy. What things do you consider fun? Who do you love spending time around? What makes your heart beat?
Recovery is a life-long journey, and as you go through every day, it is of immense importance to remind yourself that you are not your eating disorder, and that your eating disorder is not you. You get to decide who you are and what it is that you do in your life, and nothing, not even the notion of relapse, can take that away from you.
